Wednesday 27 April

I'm sitting here in the hospital cafe, trying to get a few hours of work done before mum's appointment this afternoon. I travelled to Holland overnight. I had a complimentary upgrade to a comfort class cabin, which felt bitter sweet - yes, it's nice to have a more comfortable place to stay, but really, I didn't want to be on that ferry at all. It's all felt very odd - last time I was on the ferry, was with I. and her two friends and we were all excited about going away for a few days. Last time I was in this hospital was almost 18 months ago when we thought mum's cancer had returned in her liver - and it hadn't. When I left that time, I didn't think I'd be back here again, and definitely not for something that wasn't related to why she spent so much time here before. I had to swallow a big lump as I drove past the ward where she stayed after her operation 3 1/2 years ago. Everything in the hospital feels so familiar, I even recognise some faces, which in a way feels nice, but on the other hand, as on the ferry, I wish I didn't have to be here.

Let's hope we have a bit more certainty about the future later this afternoon.