Saturday 2 May 202

Vaguely back to normal, that's what I was expecting when I went back to work on Wednesday. Whatever normal is, these days! It may have been wishful thinking.

When I got to my ward on Wednesday, a few things had returned to 'normal'. We were all in uniform rather than scrubs, which makes it far easier to see who is who. The plastic sheeting that had been covering the entrance to the bays was still in place, but rolled up, which much improves visibility. And as far as we knew, our patients were now all non-Covid19 patients. We're a so-called Green zone. In a way, it's a positive sign: the hospital is probably able to cope with the number of positive patients and doesn't need as many Covid19 wards as were open. Great news.
However, in the course of the day it became obvious that things aren't back to normal by a long shot. We're still wearing surgical masks all day. They are a necessary evil. They're warm, they hurt your ears, they dehydrate. We still have relatively few patients. To observe social distancing, we only have 4 patients to each bay, rather than 6, but not all the bays were full. I had two bays to look after with 6 patients in total, alongside another nursing assistant and a brand new nursing assistant who was doing her very first shift. When you first start, you don't get assigned a bay of patients on your own yet, but you shadow someone with more experience for a number of shifts. More often than not, these 'shadowees' soon start to build confidence and it's great to have them work alongside you, as it's an extra pair of hands.
On Wednesday, we looked after a patient whose Covid19 test result was still pending. At the end of the day his result came back and it turned out to be positive. He was very swiftly transferred to a Covid19 isolation ward, and the patient who was in the same bay with him, was moved to a Covid19 specific ward. It caused a lot of confusion and many questions among the staff, and morale took a bit of a battering. Slowly but surely you are beginning to tell that all the uncertainty, all the changes are taking their toll. Some staff members are worried about their health, others become snappy and irritable. I thought I was doing alright until I came to realise that maybe I was getting a bit short-tempered. It is sometimes easy to forget that everyone is dealing with it in different ways and to make allowances for that.
I had another shift yesterday. New rules yet again. Now it feels as though we're a halfway Covid19 ward. The plastic sheeting is down again, which means the corridor gets very full and very warm. We've been advised to wear visors again when in direct patient contact - pretty much back to full PPE (for us). And we do have patients whose test results have not yet been returned, although they are not symptomatic. But we all know there are patients who test positive but show no symptoms. Allegedly, these people are less infectious, but whether that is true? There is so much still to learn about this virus.
Yesterday was a very busy shift and felt almost like the ward in the 'old days'. Patients being discharged, meaning there is a bed space to clean and prepare for the next patient - who in one case turned up while I was still cleaning. A fairly new colleague who needed some extra time and support. A patient who during the course of the day started to deteriorate, meaning the frequency of all clinical observations increases. Patients with very different emotional needs - one who was rather unpleasant to most of the staff, but mellowed a little when I took a bit of time to sit down and just listen to him. A patient with communication problems and at the end of life. Another patient who was obviously lonely and just enjoyed having someone to chat to. A very varied shift, a very tiring shift but one that in some ways is immensely rewarding.

Earlier this week I was talking to a friend about nursing and having changed career. She asked if I ever regretted it. And the answer was, without a moment's hesitation, 'not a single second'. Yes there are days when I come home and I'm so tired I can barely move. There are days when I want to cry. There are days where I feel frustrated at the workload. But always, there will be highlights, something that makes me smile, feel grateful, be humbled, and always there will be something that makes me think 'I love this job'. Every single shift.