Saturday, March 27, 2010

Downhearted

I'm feeling a bit downhearted at the moment. I had a tough weekend last weekend, but managed to pull myself together a bit on Monday (after bursting into tears at WeightWatchers!) and started to feel better. Looking after myself fairly well, making sure I eat well, get some exercise (have discovered yoga for relaxation, works a treat before bedtime), get enough sleep. I've started to take Kalms to keep the nerves at bay which is helping, but I didn't sleep that well last night and I think it's contributing to me feeling a bit low. The kids are with J. all weekend and I'm missing them, and knowing that next week is going to be an odd week with less time with them than normal makes me miss them even more.
It is also odd to plan things with them like their birthday party (N. will be 8 on Thursday and I. will be 11 the following Monday), when my mind is completely elsewhere - they don't know everything that's going on with mum and therefore their lives just go on as normal, apart from me going to Holland more often.
Work is a real distraction, specially going into the office. I've been there almost 15 years, the longest of all of us in the department, so I've seen a fair number of people come and go, but we have a really good team right now, and I very much look forward to going to work. I won't be going in for a couple of weeks now, apart from a birthday bash, as mum's scan and the results are on days that I'd normally go to the office.
The long waits between tests and scans and results aren't helping either. I get very frightened of what we might hear, but then slowly that fear fades away to make place for more normality, only for the fear to strike at unexpected moments where it will make me stop and take a sharp breath. When I feel optimistic, I can't help but think 'but it could be bad news', and when I feel frightened, I think 'you've got to remain positive'. Whatever you do, it never feels like the right thing. There probably isn't such a thing as the right thing to do or feel in these circumstances.
I spoke to mum's sister this week, who hadn't known until now that we'd been through several tests and wanted to know if she needed to be worried. She told me how much my support means to mum. Dad had offered to go to hospital with her this week for the MRI, but I really wanted to go myself anyway, and having heard how much mum appreciates it, makes me doubly determined to go. And it's not just that I'm doing it for her, I want to be with her for a bit too.

I know Holland is only a short plane flight away, just a short ferry crossing, but lately it has felt like I'm living on the other side of the world. And that feels very, very far away.

ETA: I went for a run after writing this post and that's made me feel a bit better. Now installed on the bed in pyjamas, with laptop, tea and some biscuits. Only the cat's missing ;-)